I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
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It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
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I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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