At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize