"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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