My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize