rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
