Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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