Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
