He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
