You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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