I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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