you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
