As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
