You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
