I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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