i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
