smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
operation harelip BJ is a go
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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