Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
