this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
