she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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