it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
