Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
you made out with another girl for some wings
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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