I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
