just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
