I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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