it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
