I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
