$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
