I think i peed on brittanys purse
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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