I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
