It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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