I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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