He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
