just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
