Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
