If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
