if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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