Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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