i can't believe i had my finger in that
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
