i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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