the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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