Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
