She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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