guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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