look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
