Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Your cock deserves a montage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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