It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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