i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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