My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
