You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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