remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
