Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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