New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize