if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
