my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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