I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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