I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
