i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
