The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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