did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
